Losing Baby Tinley

Losing Baby Tinley

We've sure had to deal with a lot these last few weeks! As most of you know, we lost Baby Tinely, July 14 to an infection (pseudomonas). It was the hardest thing to watch and go through all of it. I had a friend (who's also a nurse of many years) come to the hosptial after I told her what the infection was and that it was in her blood. She prayed with me and started to say things like Tinley may not make it. Obviously being a mom and knowing just 2 days before we were preparring for our "1 month NICU birthday party"-I didn't want to hear any of it. Wouldn't really believe or listen. I called the doctor after she left, and ask if we needed to start thinking 'she may not make it'. He assured me "NO"-we have her on antibiotics and her body seems to be responding. This was Friday morning. We watched her all day Friday on the Oscillator (a machine that basically breathes for the babies and keeps their lungs open at all times-it also shakes her continuosly), watched her continue to swell (they continued pumping fluids in all day trying to get her to pee to see if her kidneys would work), and watched her turning very, very pale. We could hardly even look at her she looked so bad. She wasn't responsive much at all-she would open her eyes, and a slight kick, but not much more. But this response was more than we got on Thursday-so, we're thinking the antibiotics are working. The doctor comes in several times and updates us-really no change-her kidneys still weren't working, her SATs weren't good, her blood pressure was very low. But, this is how a baby responds to an infection-or that's at least what I kept telling myself. My dad and stepmom, Tammy came and got our laundry and invited us out to get a break from the camper and to pick up our laundry. So, at 11 pm, we leave the hosptial and go to Blanchard. At 3:30 a.m. I called to check on Tinley-the nurse said there wasn't any change from when we'd left. At 4:15 they called and said Dr. Verma wants to talk to you guys can you come in. So we rush out and to the hosptial (about a 25 min drive). Just as we're pulling into the hospital, they call again and say they've started resuscitation!!! What?! We thought Dr. Verma was going to tell us medication wasn't working and we had to try something different. Or something-definatley not this!
We walk in the room, and they are pumping on her chest!! The most awful sight you can EVER imagine. She laid there so lifeless, with 5-6 nurses standing around her incubator crying terribly! The Dr. standing back giving orders and the respiratory therapist crying hysterically too. The Dr. calls me out to the hall, tells me what's going on as I watched them giving CPR to my baby! Stupid me, go back into the room, and say "So, there's no chance she'll be okay now, is there?" Dr. Verma, "No, this is it, do you want to hold your baby?" It still seems SO unreal! It all happended so fast. And I really, really thought, "we'll make it out of NICU. We may have a few problems, but we'll make it out" There was never ANY doubt in my mind that we wouldn't make it out! I never really believed when they said we would likely face issues due to the brain bleed, that we would. Maybe I'm naive, maybe it's the mom instinct, or just trying to be as positive as I can be to get my family through this-but I really did think everything would be OKAY!
We sat in the room and held Tinley for awhile-her body turned cold and stiff and she started to turn blue. We had no idea how to tell family or friends (afterall we've been downplaying this as "just a simple infection") we didn't want to leave the room so we could hold her as long as possible. Neither of us could even make the call without crying terribly. So, Shane sent a text out and I copied that. Sorry, for those of you that got a text and thought it was inappropriate-we just didn't know how else better to handle it and didn't want anyone to hear us breakdown.

This is really happening....

My mom, dad, and Tammy came up that morning to be with Tinley one last time. The funeral director, who is close friends with Shane's parents had been in contact with Shane and his parents all morning. But as soon as I saw him walk in with the basket for Tinley-my heart just sank and I completely lost it! It was like this was what really made it real! He sat down with us and started asking a lot of questions-through all of this, I've tried not to ask "WHY?" and be positive, but I immediatley started thinking "this just isn't right, planning your own baby daughters funeral!" Making decisions about where she will be buried! What music you'll play....all of it! Her own sister never even got to take a picture with her!! Or lay next to her!

Things will be so different...

When you walk into NICU, you have to give your baby's name-we were so use to saying, "We're here to see the Powell Twins." And when calling, we'd say "We're calling to check on our girls." It still happens some and we catch ourselves and kinda realize again everything.

We have 2 of everything we bought-2 sets of clothes, 2 recliners, 2 sets of animals/blankets etc. What are you suppose to do with all of this stuff?? Obviously, we'll have a keepsake box of some of the most memorable things, but others we aren't sure.

I envisioned the girls would be so close, like Trina and I were. Play sports together, cheer, dance, classes in school, sleep together-all of it! Now, I hate all of this for Timber! I feel like she will have this piece of her always missing and I can't do anything about it!